So first day back at home after 5 days away in Wales doing some wild camping. I had a really good time and felt like I was getting back to somewhere that I once was. I am not saying that it was all roses, I did have some down points but I felt like I was in a good place to deal with this. We did a lot of walking and talking which does help, although is this still avoidance? I don’t think so anymore. I am getting better, I can feel it and if this means no work for now then that is what needs to be done. I came home feeling in a good place, and I had a hypnotherapy session to follow this up which worked out well. In this hypnotherapy session it was more directed towards motivation and to positively reinforce my thoughts. I still feel like this is helping a lot and that I am making progress through this and through the other things I have been trying to do. The next stage of my hypnotherapy is my final one for a few weeks to see how I have progressed. I am so much more content with myself even though I am probably in a much worse situation, with regards to time progressing. I know I will have slumps again but I also know that having this experience of being positive may help me in the future.
As Mondays are normally my worst, I woke feeling surprisingly quite well and optimistic about the day ahead. I had a pretty decent weekend going out with friends but this, because of the alcohol I consumed, normally makes Mondays even that little bit worse. But as I said this Monday seemed fine and I was quite motivated to be active.
I began by getting some camping stuff sorted for our little trip ahead, again the thought was still lingering over the fact I have a lot of work to do. But nevertheless again it was over powered by the other thought that my health is more important.
In the afternoon I had two appointments, first was with my hypnotherapist and second was with the counselor. The hypnotherapist session went a lot better than last time. It was little bit longer and I was informed that it was a lot more directed towards achieving goals. I can’t remember too much of what was said but apparently this is the way it works. I have decided to have another session, as I do feel quite good from it and more positive. I am starting to think this is the way forward for me. Well, it may help me a little, if not a lot.
So today was the main start of my hypnotherapy treatment, as soon as I got in there we got sat down and we began to help me relax and to put me into a trance state. During this state I was barraged with positive suggestions and reinforcements. The therapist suggested that during the next week I should start to see positive parts no matter how small and the next session will reinforce these.
I have to be honest I didnt feel as good as I did after last weeks session but we will see how the week goes. Felt terrible on the night, turned my back on the people that wanted to help and thought it might be best to disappear the next day.
This morning I felt a little less optimistic about things….
Had a good chat with my counselor, and unearthed some more feelings, mainly the fact that I am scared to be married as a failure and unsuccessful that I will be undeserved of my girlfriend. She thinks this is ridiculous, however it seems true to me and that is how it will be seen. Will I ever get this done, will I ever be worthy.
I was due to play squash, part of me trying to get better, but prior to this I was listening to the hypnotherapist CD which put me into a deep sleep and had to be woken up. Felt ok after but still just not quite right, no motivation, just always putting a front on and living a life outside of my body.
I woke feeling ok again today, I think this might be the remnants of the hypnotherapy still paying off. Although I wouldn’t say that this was an immediate cure but it feels more like the positives are increasing rather than the negatives disappearing, which may balance it out. However I am worried this won’t solve the problem and may just mask it. But the proof is in the pudding. I was at work yesterday so that takes my mind off things.
I am a little disappointed still in the lack of work that I am doing. Hopefully this week ahead will prove to be different and if I start doing some, I may feel more productive and happy about things.